..............umm.....

Okay, So this morning, i did my usual stuff on the net...bla bla bla...Then i went and Read a Blog. After reading the blog, i felt it was high time i 'grew a set' and made public my struggle, pushed myself to really be accountable for my efforts, or lack there-of. If these women are brave enough to share their stories, and their numbers, and lean on those who are in the same boat, then i can too. So I loaded my Blog, and sat here for a few minutes...fingers poised over the keys, and stared at this page. Can i really DO this? Instead of starting to type, i got up and went to the loo.... then went to make Michayla a lunch as her teacher called right after she left this morning to tell me the schedual changed and her house team is playing Floor Hockey over lunch today instead of tomorrow... so ill have to run her lunch to the school shortly.... Then i came back to the computer. Totally couldnt think of a Post Title, and decided that Yes, im going to jump into this, im going to write out my confessions, my goals, my method, my difficulties, and the most scary part...the Number.

I havent really blogged about my weight because i am ashamed. People have always has excuses. Friends comforted me because " i have kids", now I am consoled by people like DH because i had a disease that did this to me, and am hindered by low metabolism not having a thyroid, and my meds are always being adjusted. Im slightly hindered by the fear of the; in a sense; unknown. I havent been slender for 13 years! What will i look like....just how saggy will i be at 30 when there is no fat to fill out my boobs, and tum. I know i dont have very elastic skin...im going to look rediculous in a sense....BUT i think even with floppy deflated boobs, and a pouch hanging out front, ill look a helluva lot better then i do now.... What will it be like to be skinny? Mind you i dont want to be SKINNY.... i want to be less rolly, i want clothing to fit nice, i want a shapely womanly body. I dont wnat to look great in Lycra, i want to feel Comfortable in a swimsuit, i want to feel good in sleevless tops, I REALLY want to buy nice bras!!!! Not expensive, just the ones at Walmart, but you cant get them in a 44C..... I want to put my underwear on, and not have the top roll its way under my flub as so as i bend over!!! I dont mind being a little Squishy, i would be happier then a kid at Christmas to weigh 180lbs. I looked pretty good at that weight, i wore bathing suits...even a 2 piece. I wore sexy things to clubs, and looked Good! When i was 16, i weighed 140lbs... You could count my ribs, my hips hip bones were prominant, i had No rear end... So I KNOW i cannot follow the BMI. I was extrememly thin at 140lbs, i'da looked sallow and deathly at 125!
The really stupid thing is: gawd, you can smack me for this one.... I am very well educated on how to lose weight and be healthy. I have been councelling a co worker of jays and under my guidance he has lost weight, and gotten so much more fit and energetic. But I dont seem inclined to fully follow it myself.
I am getting better, i actually THINK before i eat. Am i hungery? Should i eat this? I do make better choices, but I dont eat breakfast, I eat stupid things for lunch on occasion, like Alphaghetti... I boosted my fruit and veggie intake, but can still be tempted by the Oreos. Ice cream..in the evening.... after having a very balanced sensible dinner....
I believe, if i eat breaky, smarten up with lunch, give up the ice cream, but MOST importantly: MOVE...i can budge this weight. Not as easily as others, but it will move.... Its NOT hopeless like when i gained it...i was busting my ass, very active, ate a balanced diet, but the number just kept creeping up....And between the time of my first surgery, and after my second and the radiation, 30lbs FELL off. The thing causing it was Gone, and my Thyoid hormone levels were high because of the medication. Once i got to a balanced level, the weight stopped falling off. So basically, its now up to Me. The first 30 was a gift; the next 60 i must earn.
I wont do weightwatchers, its too.....complicated. All i need is to use my common sense, read lables, and not listen to the voice that says "You want a donut....... You want Chocolate..... awww come on you have been good all day, go get a bowl of ice cream".
And i need to start listening to that whisper that say "get off your fat ass and go for a walk, suck it up grab your runners and go to the Gosh Dang Gym!!!"
I know i need to get my shit together for our summer vacation! We are going back to Ottawa. I know i wont be in the same boat as i was...i was completely and utterly totally Hypothryroid as i was off my meds to be tested to see if the cancer was back...so I was in SOOO much pain, my legs ached, my back ached, i had no muscle strength, but i fought my way thru to walk atleast 5kms a day...its the only way i didnt put on 20lbs being Hypo like "we" do.... Spending my 2 weeks pushing my body way beyond its willingness kept the scale at bay..... This year i want to be able to do it without being exhausted at the end of the day..... and i want to be able to wear tank tops and shorts!
So, i guess the aim is over the next 21 weeks, to pulloff a minimum of 2 lbs a week. If i do better, GREAT.... But at that rate, i can be 200lbs by our intended Vaca time.
So yeah, here is my Confession. As of this morning, I weigh 241.6 lbs.
Im going to start blogging more about my efforts, progress, success, aswell as my failures....
Here is hoping!!!!!! NO!!! NOT HOPING!!! HOPING WONT GET ME THERE!!! Heres DOING!

Ciao