wednesday...........

so far today I am doing better.  I got all my list done before lunch, with the exception of walking the dog.... im waiting for the 'day time high' regarding temperature outside :s  i hate cold..... I kinda hope moms dog is still here where the weather warms up.....

Another challenge that i am facing right now is Not weighing and measuring myself obsessivly.  i want to , but i know its best to wait a weeek or two...  I dont want to weigh and measure til i have my chart filled......
I have a chart on the livingroom wall.  It has 8 exercises, plus a square for either walking the dog or eliptical, then a square for my vitamin, a square for my meta/juice ( its sugarfree, flavor free smooth texture metamucil and Orange juice.....No fancy diet product, i dont believe in all that bullshit..... my surgeon wanted me to take metamucil after my surgery and so thats why i started it...it lowers cholesterol and is a great source of fiber so i kept the idea.  Taking it right before dinner is a trick to try and avoid over eatting at dinner)   and a blank for anything extra i do.... like doing the wretched plank.  Its a piece of white bristol, with blue sharpie grid squares and i put a little sticker in the squares that i do.....I can see it all the time.  So can my hubby, and my mom.  blank squares would be bad.....

I need to un bury the eliptical so i dont HAVE to go for a walk outside when its really cold...... or get onit at night even if i went for a walk that day...... I would also like to maybe give skating a shot........ i should see if i would be able to get the Escape to the back yard of our old house ( the house is gone now....) there is a naturally formed Large ice patch that forms there every year after the first thaw.  it was one of our fav things about that property.  We have little snow, so i may be able to drive up close to it..... that way i can sit on the tailgate to put my skates on...sitting on the ground is not my iead of a good time lol.  i dont want to go to the arena just yet as i know that i wont be ablle to skate more then a few minutes at first.. my ankles are weak, and my core is weak and im top heavy...its gonna hurt.

I have many reasons why i want to do all this.  Some are superficial, some are psychologically necessary, some are for my kids, some are for my hubby, some are for my mom.....

I want to not be embarrassed about how i look
I want to be able to move better
I want a pretty face ( the weight on my face is not attractive, the large double chin is not attractive...)
I want to be a good example for my kids
I dont want my kids friends to think things about me
I want to feel comfortable enough with my body to be intimate with my husband, cuz i dont want to be intimate.....i have net to no interest...i do what i Have to do when i Have to..... No more then that....
I want to be smaller then i was the last time Dee saw me if we get posted this summer
I want to be smaller then Michelle last saw me if we get posted
I want to wear normal size clothing
I want to be able to wear nice things
I want to wear a normal size bra
I want to wear nice underwear
I want to wear high heels
I want my mom to be proud of me
I want my husband to ...well..hmm.....he loves me regardless...he desires me, he is always touching me......i guess for him - i want to be ...presentable? does that make sense...i dont want his friends and coworkers to think bad things....i want to be smaller then him.....the way its supposed to be.....
I want to be able to go shopping with my girls or my friends......
I want to be able to play with my kids, skate with my kids, play baseball, swing, swim......
I want to fit in the dress i bought for our Vow Renewal ceremony in 930 days....
I want the dress to look amazing onme
I want to look amazing at my kids wedding
I want to be fit when im 40 something and have grandkids, cuz i want to take them camping and swimming and hiking...
I want to Comfortably wear a decent swimsuit.
I want to feel Sexy.

I am realistic, i KNOW im not going to be some whispy tiny thing!  I dont expect to be!!!  I know what number i want to get to, its a very attainable number, iits not "skinny", its not even in the BMI...which is another farce i dont believe in.... cuz when i was SKINNY, like count my ribs skinny....i was 140lbs...BMI says i should be 120....if i had lost another 20lbs when i was 16 it would have been sickly skinny......  I want to lose a total of 57lbs.  That would put me at a really great place. Once i get there, then ill think about trying for 20 morepounds...  but beforei canevenget to those points, i hav eto get thru the first 7, then the following 10 and then 20.  I have 37 pounds of hell to get thru before i canworry about the superficial reasons for wanting to lose weight.  Before i can feel pretty, and "normal" and sexy and shop..i first have to lose "embarrassment" pounds.

AH well, im taking steps,and im going to do my damnedest to FINALLY success at this shit, ive failed somany G.D.times.... but one thing i know is i am not getting any younger..

:P