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Have you ever been sitting out in the yard enjoying a gentle breeze on a summer day.... lil white clouds drifting so non chalant thruthe sky.... and it suddenly grows very still?

Ever stand infront of a blank wall with a paint brush in your hand yet only see the blank wall?

Have you ever been completely consumed with something in your life and spend every waking moment thinking about that thing, and planning for that thing, and looking forward to, and count the days down to, and be so excited for it and ready and just completely ready ,sights set and just waiting for the starting flag to wave .......................................................................................and..............................................................
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.................................................nothing?

Not...nothing happens................we have yet to cross that bridge.......................................................
Nothing as in, you become a blank wall...........................a breeze stopped dead................................

I dont understand it. Ive gone numb to this probable posting...........................................................
Why? Its it because im afraid? Afraid that it wont happen? Afraid it will?

I dont understand............ and Like that summer day where the breeze just stops...its usually because theres a storm brewing just over the horizon, and after night falls, a terrifying fury will be unleashed. You dont see the big black wall of cloud in the darkness, you dont feel the sudden drop in tempurature outside as the icy wind picks up. Its not until its too late that you see the blazzing flash and hear the blood chilling growl ............
maybe thats it.................................
If we do get moved to Alberta, my entire world changes...........Everything!
The theory of moving to Petawawa always excited me... after our first trip there i was hooked.... i know where everything is, i know the whole place, I know what i would do and where i would go, my mom was "near by", as was the rest of the family. My doctor would still be my doctor- it would just be a weekend trip instead of a day trip - which worked as we would just drive another hour further south to see jays mom......... it was all familiar and 'home' and the changes would have been minor...............................................
Im scared of moving to Cold Lake....arnt I !?!? Im afraid of not having having my Mommy n hour and a half away to be there! No, imnot a big suckie baby....but when i got Sick...my mom was there. When i went for my surgery- my mom was there. When i got the cancer diagnosis- my mom was there. When i had the second surgery- she was there, and the radiation, and the recover, and the testing and the Bumps in the road since....My mom is there.. she is my best friend and my sanity and i need her! I have a safety net here...i know the hospital, i know exactly how long it takes to get there, and i trust them, and they Know me when i have a Bump in the road. I have my specialist only a phone call away. Im scared........... so now im numb to it.

will finish tomorrow......hubby just came to bed.....dont want him reading over my shoulder........